4 Hazards Of Drinking In The Daytime

2013 Hong Kong Sevens - Day 2
Credit: Mark Kolbe/Getty Images

The weather is finally getting nicer around the country, which means that bars are opening their gardens and roof decks. Day drinking is a classic spring/summer tradition–we all love an afternoon BBQ–but it comes with certain risks, such as dehydration from the sun and being hungover by 7 p.m.

To help you not make a fool of yourself, we’ve found some examples of people who got a little too excited about day drinking. The next time you hear yourself saying, “Well, it’s five o’clock somewhere,” remember these idiots.

1. You forget that bathrooms exist

Police in Florida recently arrested a man at 7:30 p.m. for allegedly exposing himself and defecating on the sidewalk outside a Burger King, then passing out beside empty cans of Four Loko. While it might be hard to find a public restroom at night, during the day you can just walk inside a fast food establishment.

2. You might destroy public property

When you’re enjoying the sunshine, it’s easy to forget that your actions have consequences. Like the Russian soldier who got hammered in the morning and drove his tank into a lamppost.

3. Your belligerence is even more annoying

Earlier this week, a man flying from Cancun to England allegedly drank half a bottle of vodka, spit on flight attendants and threatened to fight everyone on the plane, causing the pilot to make an emergency landing. (He was even reportedly shadowboxing in his cell after getting arrested.) Nobody wants to put up with your aggression at any time, but it’s especially awful before lunch.

4. You pressure other people to day drink

A couple weeks ago, a Tampa Bay man allegedly stole $1,000 worth of booze from a restaurant, walked to a nearby park and then handed out shots to strangers. We understand that you’re excited about the nice weather and feeling generous, but don’t harass people during their afternoon jog. Just wait ’til later and buy a round at the bar.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.