How To Explain Sports Rivalries To Your Girlfriend

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If your girlfriend likes sports, congratulations, you lucked out. Unfortunately, a lot of girls could care less about Duke vs. North Carolina or the Packers vs. the Bears. They just don’t understand how storied rivalries make those games more important. So here are a few ways to break it down for her.

Kobe Bryant vs. LeBron James

Two of the best NBA players of all time. Everyone loves to argue which is better. Kobe has more championships under his belt, but LeBron‘s ever-improving skill set is unmatched.

How to explain it to her: It’s like Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. Yes, Meryl has more Oscar noms and wins, but she’s been at the game a lot longer, and some would say the competition in Anne’s generation is much stiffer. Nevertheless, Anne is on her way to the same level of success, so it remains to be seen who’ll end up on top…as long as Anne tones down her acceptance speech hyperventilation.

Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady

These two have almost identical statistics, so it’s hard to make an argument for either one’s superiority. Brady has been to more Super Bowls and won more playoff games, but Manning‘s fans would point out that Brady had stronger teams built around him.

How to explain it to her: OK, remember in “Sister Act 2” when Whoopi Goldberg‘s choir has to perform in tattered overalls against all these polished teams in flashy costumes from churches with money? It’s kinda like that, only both of these churches have TONS of money. One has a little more, though, and gets better-trained nuns and choir directors, so it’s that much harder for Lauryn Hill & Co. to win the title. Yeah, Petyon Manning is Lauryn Hill in this analogy.

Yankees vs. Red Sox

This rivalry is over 100 years old, and the fiercest in Major League Baseball. Some say it really began when the Sox traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees, thereby incurring “The Curse of the Bambino.”

How to explain it to her: It’s like in “90210” (the original) when Dylan left Brenda for Kelly, then stuck around for like 10 more seasons while Brenda got written off the show. Now Jennie Garth and Luke Perry still get work while Shannen Doherty‘s a spokesperson for an online university.

Evander Holyfield vs. Mike Tyson

A boxing rivalry for the ages that escalated when Tyson bit Holyfield‘s ear off in the ring. Tyson claimed it was in retaliation for a headbutt; others believe he got himself disqualified on purpose because he knew otherwise he’d lose.

How to explain it to her: This is like when Teresa from “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” flipped the table over because Danielle Staub (a.k.a. “prostitution whore”) was running her mouth. She flipped out, sure, but maybe it was to stop more accusations and secrets from being revealed. She essentially ended the game by destroying the restaurant’s property.

Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Savage

Known as The Mega Powers, these WWE legends were partners in body-slamming bliss until a woman drove them apart. Miss Elizabeth, Savage‘s girlfriend and manager to both wrestlers, caused tension and jealousy to build between them until the tag team eventually imploded.

How to explain it to her: This one is a no-brainer. Take your pick from basically any rom-com: “Bridget Jones’ Diary,” “Twilight,” “My Best Friend’s Wedding“–each one works as a comparison if you just put enough tanning oil on it.

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Kara Klenk (@karaklenk) is a comedian in New York City.