6 Videos Of Kangaroos Attacking People

Commonwealth Games
Credit: Tony Feder/Getty Images

You think a girl rejecting you is embarrassing? PSSHT! When a kangaroo kicks your ass, THAT’S embarrassing. You’re supposed to be part of the smartest species, so it’s pretty shameful to get put in your place by such a cute rascal…even if it can land a left, thump you with its hind legs and (added bonus) has razor-sharp talons that cut through flesh like a machete through Texas brisket.

Here’s five videos of kangaroos making humans look foolish, and advice for the victims on how to recover.

HOW TO GET OVER IT: The poor kid’s parents should find a good shrink. He’s bound to be traumatized. You might also wanna skip buying Dunk-a-Roos for his lunches.

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HOW TO GET OVER IT: Good luck! It’s not enough this guy got attacked by a ‘roo, but it happened while wearing some ridiculous mascot costume. The only solution is to spin this into The Funniest Story Ever Told and he’ll easily outdo anyone at the next party.

HOW TO GET OVER IT: Don’t let that teeny-armed grass-eater push you around! Hit the weight room and begin training to take that bastard down. Cue the Rocky theme.

HOW TO GET OVER IT: 30 stitches to the groin??? Um, yeah, we’re not doctors, but all the whiskey in the world couldn’t save you from that pain. Luckily, wounds heal and he’ll have the battle scars to show off to the ladies.

HOW TO GET OVER IT: This one isn’t too embarrassing, but they might need to buy a new camera.

HOW TO GET OVER IT: What to do when a masturbating kangaroo ruins your TV shot? NOTHING! It’s hilarious! (Just don’t say “large load” again.)

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.