5 Things Dads Always F*** Up

dad in kitchen
Credit: Ilya Terentyev

Dads are awesome. They feed you, clothe you, teach you how to play catch and, if you’re lucky, how to be a man. But they’re definitely stronger in some departments than others. Here’s some things they get wrong more often than not.

1. Cooking When Mom’s Not Home

Most dads allow themselves to learn one kind of cooking: barbecue. So whenever your mom drove to Pittsburgh to visit her sister, you woke up every morning to the smell of burning charcoal. This was awesome for the first day, but after a week of hot dogs and corn on the cob for breakfast, you need some actual nutrition.

2. Intimidating Teachers

You deserved that C+ on the term paper you started the night before, and your dad deserved to watch a Robert De Niro movie marathon last week. Problem is, he hears about a teacher messing with his kin, and then feels like he needs to go “Goodfellas” on the faculty member.

But your dad’s not actually tough, so he ends up talking a litte smack and chest bumping the teacher, which is more baseball manager than mafia wiseguy. No one’s scared of a baseball manager, so that C+ becomes the best grade you get the rest of the year.

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3. Ruining Your Toys

Your mom bought you the Slip ‘N Slide. Your dad set it up…while you were at school. He couldn’t resist the temptation of being the first to use it, but his fat ass was not meant for a slide that flimsy. So you came home from school to a broken Slip ‘N Slide, your dad trying to fix it with rocks and garbage bags. (Same thing probably happened if you had Power Wheels.)

4. Making You A Little Racist

Your dad grew up in a different, less enlightened era. Or maybe he had a feud with someone of a different ethnicity or culture. Either way, it doesn’t excuse him teaching you to distrust all Swedish people.

5. Making Your Girlfriend Feel Awkward

If he doesn’t say something inappropriate (for example, “Don’t trust the Swedes”), your dad will tell the corniest jokes of all time. She’ll laugh along, and swear that he’s adorable, but she’s really thinking: “You’re gonna grow up to be that loser?”

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.