Cool Things To Do With A Pet Monkey Like Justin Bieber’s

Edinburgh Zoo's Brown Capuchin Monkeys Have Record Breeding Season
Credit: Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

If you’re a world-famous celebrity, you can do whatever you want…except, apparently, bring a pet monkey to Germany. That’s what Justin Bieber discovered last weekend when German customs officials confiscated his capuchin because he lacked the proper documentation.

We had no idea that Bieber kept a monkey as a pet, but we respect him for it. And this got us thinking: What would it be like? What are the benefits? What are the pitfalls? In short, what is the Guy Code for owning a monkey?

1. Use It To Pick Up Ladies

Walking a cute puppy in the park is a great way to meet girls, so just imagine how often you’d score with a cute monkey. If your unusual pet makes them nervous, just explain that it’s the monkey from that episode of “Friends.” (You can also play the hero and say you rescued it from a life of riding dogs at NFL halftime shows.)

2. Use It To Steal Stuff

Aladdin had a kleptomaniac monkey, and so can you. Train your monkey to play innocent, like it doesn’t know what an iPhone is, and then pull this trick:

3. Have It Attack Your Enemies

A monkey naturally throws poop when it’s angry, so just put your monkey near some jerk you don’t like and let nature take its course. Of course, monkeys can also deliver a devastating right hook. Check out this monkey that Clint Eastwood trained.

4. Do Not Give It Drugs

It’s gonna be tempting, but whatever you do, keep your monkey away from drugs–especially experimental gene therapy cures for Alzheimer’s. “Rise of The Planet of the Apes” should be mandatory viewing for all monkey owners, just like the original film. You don’t want to end up shouting “DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!” while pounding your fists into the surf.

5. Give It To A Nature Preserve

Long before Bieber and his monkey, there was Michael Jackson and Bubbles. When Bubbles got too big and dangerous to sleep in a crib in Jackson’s bedroom, he got transferred to an animal sanctuary. It’s not really natural for you to live with such a creature forever…even if it does use your toilet and eat candy in your movie theater.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.