5 Reasons Why Easter Egg Hunts Are Incredibly Dangerous

Credit: Peter Zelei/Getty Images

You think Halloween is the scariest holiday that revolves around candy? The Easter Bunny is more like the Easter Jackalope, ’cause egg hunts–seemingly harmless events–tend to get surprisingly aggro. Consider the existence of Easter Egg Hunt Insurance, which sounds crazy until you read up on this perilous spring tradition.

1. Stampeding Adults

Last year, Colorado Springs, Colorado canceled its annual egg hunt. Bad weather? Chickenpox outbreak? No, hundreds of “aggressive” parents leaped into fray to give their kids an unfair advantage, unleashing pandemonium. (“The good news is your Easter basket is filled with candy! The bad news is Mommy ripped out somebody’s trachea.”)

2. Snakes

Planning an egg hunt in Arizona? Think again. Easter Sunday routinely causes a spike in rattlesnake bites, ’cause parents accidentally hide eggs in snake dens. To be fair, it’s debatable whether rattlesnake venom is less healthy than the goop inside Cadbury Creme Eggs.

3. Guns

At a 2004 Easter egg hunt, a group of children discovered two loaded handguns outside an elementary school in Flint, Michigan. The real mystery: why didn’t they use ‘em for an epic jelly bean heist?

4. Grenades

You know how you can find “Easter Eggs” in video games? Well, that’s basically what happened in real life to a British three-year-old who found a live hand grenade last Easter. Surprise! Your life is a first-person shooter.

5. Bazookas

It sounds ridiculous, but some kid actually found a bazooka during an egg hunt last year in Germany. A whole bazooka. That’s a huge upgrade from Bazooka bubble gum, especially considering there’s no crappy comic strip on the inside and it can blow up a tank…which some other kid will probably find this Easter.

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.