Diehard Degenerate: March Madness

March Madness Gambling
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Sean Green hosts the Sports Gambling Podcast and is our expert on losing money.

No need to pull an all-nighter; consider this your Cliffs Notes to bracketology. The only thing busted this March will be your bookie’s bankroll.

Take The Under

Teams laying bricks, scoring at a historically low pace this year, will help you build stacks of cash.

The Bigger The Pool, The Less Chalk You Use

If your pool size is small, you’ll want to stay closer to chalk because the risk has less value. The more bracket entries you’re going against, however, the more sense it makes to pencil in a big upset…and if a big upset occurs, there’s a good chance you’ll get to enjoy a hilarious YouTube rap video like when Lehigh beat Duke last year.

Coaches Know Best

Veteran coaches in the tournament excel at coming up with fresh game plans. Unlike your girlfriend, Tom Izzo has no problem getting ready in a hurry.

6-9 Is The Magical Number

Combine the seeds of your Final Four bracket, and your total should land somewhere between 6 and 9. Over the years it’s been a solid trend, and the math’s so easy even a student athlete can figure it out.

First Round Locks

Oregon +3, Minnesota -3, Colorado +1.5, South Dakota +11, Arizona -4.5, Pittsburgh -4.5

Final Four

Louisville, Florida, Miami, Ohio State

Winner: Ohio State

Bonus March Madness Drinking Game

–Announcer refers to the basketball as “The Rock” = One drink
–Announcer uses the phrase “fill it up” = Two drinks
–Announcer mentions a player’s G.P.A. in desperate attempt to pretend these kids go to class = Three drinks
–Friend reminds you Gus Johnson is no longer calling March Madness = Pour a swig out for the “fallen” hero

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles