The Biggest Morons You’ll Meet On St. Patrick’s Day

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St. Patrick’s Day, a day of mirth, merriment, and running into a whole bunch of complete and utter morons. Below, we present the five most-common types of idiots you’ll encounter while pub crawling on March 17.

Erin Go Blah

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Even if you have no interest in the bar scene, on St. Patrick’s Day it’s still impossible to avoid wasted revelers. Erin Go Blah will vomit all over the sidewalk in front of your apartment because he started chugging green beer before his sausage and pancakes breakfast.

The Lucky Charms

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Then there’s that slutty girl whose barely-covered boobs are celebrating even more than her. Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers…and bright red areolas!

The Green Monster

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There’s always one weirdo more obsessed with covering every inch of his body in green than anything else. Like a school child, The Green Monster will angrily call out any one who isn’t green-clad and pinch you like a bitch.

The Blarney Stoned

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This crazy guy is clearly on something a little stronger than Guinness, treating each bar stop like a Mardi Gras scene by trying to get women to do all sorts of crazy stuff for cheap, green beads. Amazingly…it’s kinda working.

The Leper Con

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No packed St. Patty’s Day bar is complete without that one grumpy nofunnik bemoaning all the debauchery happening around her. Then why is she out?

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GIFS by Jim Tews (@jimtews)

Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide.