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St. Patrick's Day has something to do with religion, but you're gonna party on March 17th. You know it, we know it, St. Patrick himself knows it. Unfortunately, countless amateurs make countless mistakes on this holiday. Do yourself a favor and read on to prevent yourself from screwing up like one of them.
1. Pace Yourself
This is a marathon, not a sprint. You're not Usain Bolt and there's no gold medal to win (unless you think a Sharpie'd penis on your face is a reward). This is St. Patrick's DAY, not St. Patrick's Take-As-Many-Shots-of-Irish-Whiskey-As-Humanly-Possible HOUR.
Avoid being a One & Done by taking your time. We're all in this together. You don't need to prove how much green beer you can chug, or else you'll just prove that the police can find you passed out nude in a 7-11 parking lot.
2. Stay On The Sidewalk At The Parade
True, you might be wearing a green onesie with a cape (superhero alias: "Lieutenant Lager"), but let's keep our s*** together. It might seem fun to charge at the shamrock-covered floats while air-spanking a little person dressed as a leprechaun. It is not.
3. If You're Not Irish, Don't Pretend You Are
It's inevitable. You'll be tempted to do an Irish jig and speak with an Irish accent so bad that you belong in the next Guy Ritchie flick. Don't. No, we mean it. Please. It's bad enough the meaning of St. Patrick's Day has been completely mutilated--no Irish person wants to see dumb stereotypes reinforced by your attempt to Riverdance.
4. Cops Don't Want To Take A Photo With You
You know those guys with various weapons strapped to their belts and Marine Corps-type haircuts? They are not hanging out with you. They are working. When you drunkenly put your arm around one of 'em and slur, "Heeeya Arficcer! Lez getta pikshur!" you are asking for trouble. By the time you hiccup in his ear, he'll find every reason to slap the cuffs on and cart you off to the drunk tank where you belong.
5. Barf AWAY From The Crowd
All that corned beef and cabbage will start a fight with the booze in your gut. Let 'em work it out. You're merely the referee in this UFC card between two seasoned brawlers: Stomach vs. Throat. When the fight is over, have some decency and turn your head away from your friends. Even better, get the hell outside and fertilize those bushes.
6. Chill Out
If you choose to go out, there is a HUGE chance you're gonna get dinged up, dirtied or spilled on. That is the nature of the St. Paddy's Day beast. Crowds on March 17th are like tiny, traveling Bonnaroo Festivals. Don't get all worked up if someone's getting served before you or bumping into you. The angrier you get, the more ridiculous you look in your leprechaun hat and "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" boxer shorts.