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It's been a while since we've done one of these, hopefully nobody got lost in their lives. I can't always be here to show you the map, there will be weeks when you'll have to look up to the sky yourself and say, "What the f**k does it all mean?" Then you'll have to make all of your major decisions with a coin toss, magic 8-ball or something as equally random as a horoscope. There's a light at the end of the winter tunnel, and hopefully your tax return is coming soon. This week should be a good one.
+ Aries
You're probably in a relationship right now, and the stronger things get with your lady friend, the more other women seem to be interested in you. Don't fall for it and bail on your current relationship. If you do, it won't take you long to find out that you're an unappreciative troll.
+ Taurus
Buy some really cool basketball sneakers. They'll make you feel better about yourself for a while. If you want to feel better about yourself permanently, you're going to have to put some actual work into this.
+ Gemini
You may have put on some weight during the dark winter months. Take care of your health; start working out again and switch from beer to vodka-sodas. Or, continue getting fatter and work really hard on your personality.
+ Cancer
If you're having a tough time with a decision, look at the big picture. Think of it like one of those 3D posters where you have to cross your eyes and slowly pull away. If you do it right, the answer will pop out. If that doesn't work, you might be cross-eyed.
+ Leo
If a friend presents a crazy idea to you this week. Hear them out. It may turn into a criminal adventure! Be sure to wear gloves and masks.
+ Virgo
Take a moment to breathe it all in, Virgo. Put down your phone, turn off your computer and go live life. This week: hop a train and catch a disease. You'll be a more interesting person for it.
+ Libra
If you see a woman you like at a bar, smile at her and say, "I'd buy you a drink but must've lost my wallet while I was in Africa teaching third world kids."
+ Scorpio
If you're having an argument with a good friend, settle it with a series of drinking challenges, followed by an arm wrestling match. If all those things don't determine a winner, start kissing. First one to pull away is the loser.
+ Sagittarius
It's easy for you to talk yourself out of acting on a good idea. This week, follow all your impulses, then determine which ones were bad ideas, and which ones were good. You will find that most of your ideas are bad, so you are probably right to talk yourself out of them. Good luck with everything.
+ Capricorn
Trust your abilities a little more, Capricorn. You're actually a lot smarter than you think, no matter how many times your mom's boyfriend calls you stupid.
+ Aquarius
Don't beat yourself up every time you make a mistake. Learn from it and move on. Unless that mistake results in an unwanted pregnancy, then learn from that mistake and stick around. Stick around, raise the child and teach him cool bar tricks.
+ Pisces
You're trying to pick up the pieces from a recent relationship failure. The best way to do that is by having revenge sex with your ex's friends. If that's just not a possibility, try meditation and counseling.
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