Five Things We Hope To See At LeBron’s Wedding

2012 Sports Illustrated Sportsman Of The Year Award Presentation - Inside

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LeBron James is finally getting married to Savannah Brinson. Or at least they’ve set a date. It only took ‘em 13 years, too. With that kind of buildup, we expect their wedding to be one of the craziest parties in the history of weddings, from the ceremony itself to Ray Allen and Pat Riley passing out at 5 a.m. after an all-night drunken headbutting tournament.

We know it’s gonna be intense, so here’s five things we hope to see at their wedding.

1. A Live Version Of The Heat’s Harlem Shake

If you haven’t seen the Internet version, you’re missing out. If they could figure out a way to do it at the reception, that would be pretty great as well. Especially if Mario Chalmers wears a Super Mario costume for the entire wedding.

2. LeBron Loses His Only Ring

He finally got his first championship ring last June, shutting down the meme-sphere. When he and Savannah exchange rings, we’d like to see the reverend make LeBron put that one ring on her finger. Hey, it might motivate him to win another.

3. Slam Dunk Contest

LeBron refuses to participate in the Slam Dunk Contest during the annual All-Star Game. Hell, Magic Johnson has put up a million bucks if LeBron will do it next year, and he’s still not budging. Maybe LeBron’s saving up his gusto for a secret contest between him and his groomsmen. A slam dunk contest with some of the best in the game, dunking in tuxedos. How ’bout that, Magic?

4. Mating Calls

At the altar, how great would it be if, instead of normal wedding vows, LeBron just yelled, “I’m on the Heat!” And Savannah yelled back, “I’m in heat!” And then the reverend pronounces them married?

5. Bosh and Wade Convince LeBron To Marry Someone From Miami

Just when the organist starts playing “Here Comes The Bride” and Savannah walks down the aisle, Bosh sets a pick on her while Wade runs up to the altar and whispers into LeBron’s ear for a minute. Then LeBron announces that even though he loves Savannah, and that she’s supported him for so many years, there’s hotter girls in Miami, and he’ll probably be able to marry more than one of them.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.