5 Signs You’re Not Getting Mature, You’re Just Getting Old

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Credit: Lara Belova/Getty Images

There are some positive sides to getting older: wisdom, a better job title and the salt-and-pepper hair that commercials tell us women love. But not every change is a sign of maturity. Sometimes, changes just mean you’re decaying on your way to the grave. Here’s how to tell if you’re progressing in age without progressing in life experience.

1. No New Music Since College

Have you ever turned on the TV or radio to hear people talking about some new pop or hip-hop star, and thought to yourself, “Who the hell is this person? Why are they famous?” Then you scan through your iPod and realize that the most recent album you have is “FutureSex/LoveSounds,” which Justin Timberlake released in 2006.

2. P.E. Class Would Destroy You

You keep telling yourself to hit the gym, but who has the time? The sad truth is that a game of touch football would make you feel like you got hit by a truck the next day. (Don’t worry, you’ll be on Medicare soon enough.)

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3. You Daydream Of Naps

The older you get, the less energy you have. First, you’ll leave parties earlier than normal. Then you’ll stay home instead of going to any parties at all. Fight for your right to slumber.

4. You’re Angry At Technology

When you heard about Vine or Google Glass, were you more upset than interested? Do you feel that everything’s fine the way it is? Well, you’re not too far away from referring to Twitter as a “contraption.”

5. You Think Society Is Crumbling

Blaming young people for ruining society with their horrible morals and stupid-looking clothes is not a sign of maturity. It’s just a sign that you’re becoming a crotchety old man. When you hear yourself say “back in my day,” you’ll know it’s over.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.