True Gangsters Have Lions And Bears As Pets

gansta-lion

They say pet owners end up resembling their pets, so if you’re a gangster, you want a pet that looks like a king who rules his domain. You need a lion. Or a bear. Or if you’re really badass, four lions and two bears. That’s what Nutzu the Pawnbroker owned before he was arrested this week in Romania for being the most cartoonishly evil (but still pretty badass) gangster of all time. OK, so the rumor is that he was feeding his enemies to the lions, but maybe he was spreading that rumor to make those enemies think twice about storming the compound.

Nutzu, aka Ion Balint, can even make less scary animals seem tough. Apparently, the last time he was released from prison, he rode home on a black stallion. Imagine being a Romanian dude, out mowing your lawn one day when some scowling gangster comes riding past you on a black horse, probably followed by hundreds of woman trying to name their first kid after him. You would never leave your house ever again.

If you want to be a true gangster, you need a truly gangster animal. Every so often you’ll hear about a wannabe gangster owning a dangerous pet, like the guy in Harlem who owned a tiger. One measly tiger–that ended up putting him in the hospital. Tigers are cool, but they’re more like the hit man of the animal kingdom than the kingpin.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and cockroach/lady killer .