6 Ways Babies Are Like Drunk Guys

baby and drunk guy
Credit: Getty Images

When you become a dad, you can’t go out and party like you used to. (Well, you can, but it’s called “criminal negligence.”) Instead of hitting bars, you’ll be changing diapers. Good thing your kid will resemble a drinking buddy in so many ways…

1. Can’t Walk Straight

Just like your friend who’s had one too many, babies stumble around in a clomping, arms-extended Frankenstein walk, constantly on the verge of toppling over. (Your kid is learning basic motor skills; your friend is unlearning them.)

2. Babbles Unintelligibly

Slurring words, speaking nonsense, sometimes just spitting out drool…and babies are even worse.

3. Irrational Mood Swings

I love you…I hate you…I’m laughing…I’m crying. Some guys just can’t control their emotions with a few drinks in ‘em. If only you could shove a pacifier in their mouths.

For more on becoming a dad, watch the new “Guy Code” tonight at 11p/1oc on MTV2

4. Vomits On Everything

Whether it’s a newborn or a new frat brother, expect bodily fluids to spray everywhere. Have some wet naps ready.

5. Cries If You Take Their Bottle Away

Your belligerently drunk friend won’t let you cut him off…but you’ll be more scared of your baby’s wrath when taking away his milk bottle. (Let’s not even discuss their mutual breastfeeding desires.)

6. Falls Asleep In The Strangest Places

There’s only one surefire way to get some peace and quiet from both your baby and a drunk friend: Wait ’til they fall asleep, which they eventually will. On the floor, in the backseat of the car, in your arms or maybe even while standing up.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of “How To Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide.”