5 Ways To Make A Bartender Hate You

bartenderCredit: Chris Jackson/Getty Images

When you hit the club/pub, you must–must–treat your barkeep with the proper etiquette, or else you’ll get slow service (at best) and thrown out (at worst). Trust me, I used to sling drinks professionally, so I speak from experience. Here’s the absolute worst Guy Code violations you can commit when interacting with your mixologist.

1. Ask For A Buyback

A buyback is a right, not a privilege. Nothing infuriates bartenders quite like hearing, “Hey, I already bought two–shouldn’t this one be free?” People with this attitude rarely leave a good tip, and tend to yell about other annoying stuff. Just hang out, play the Megatouch machine and be cool. If you’re a good customer, yes, you might wind up with a free Heineken…but ask and ye shan’t receive.

2. Tip With Coins

You know who’s glad to receive coins? A hobo. Your local barkeep (probably) isn’t a hobo, and doesn’t want your pocket change. If you leave a nickel or a dime as a tip at a bar, prepare to receive zero respect in that establishment. Sure, leave the two quarters if your Jameson & Ginger costs $3.50 and you paid with a fiver–but only if they’re accompanied by the bill. Don’t pocket that dollar; you’re better than that.

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3. Take A Nap

As a guy who spent many a year behind the pine, here’s a little advice: Never, and I mean never, fall asleep at the bar. Wait until you get home, for God’s sake. The last thing a bartender wants to deal with at the end of his shift is your drunken, unconscious ass.

4. Forget To Pay Your Tab

Bartenders never mind when you open up a tab and pay with a credit card. People tend to leave bigger tips when they pay with plastic…unless they get so drunk, they stumble out of the bar without asking for their Visa back. Don’t be that guy. All bartenders hate that guy.

5. “Hey!”

Never shout at your bartender. On a busy night, if he’s not making eye contact, it’s because he’s focused on the people he’s serving at that very moment. (Otherwise, like so many puppies in a shelter, he’ll be met with several sets of hopeful eyes, some of which he just can’t help.) Your bartender will get to you in time, but if you’re the jackass yelling at him for instant service, you’ll remain thirsty for a good long time.

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.