The 5 Most-Hated People At Bars

people-we-hate-at-bars
Illustrations By Mike Hollingsworth

Bars serve many purposes. They’re not just noisy rooms with cheap furniture for us to get sloshed in. They are sanctuaries for our breakups, hook-ups and quality time with our friends. Every now and then, someone invades that sanctuary and makes it difficult to enjoy our drinking establishment experience. The following is a list of those most-hated people who not only violate Guy Code, but Bar Code as well.

5. The Sly Farter

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We hate the guy silently turning the room into his personal gas chamber. Once those bombs start dropping everyone begins sniffling uncomfortably. It becomes hard to breathe and enjoy yourself. Even worse, the “He Who Smelt It, Dealt It Theory” is in play, so even if it’s not you, you are obligated to keep your mouth shut.

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4. The Loud-Drunk-Crying Girl

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There should be some sort of Booze Boot Camp to help amateur drinkers handle their sh*t. (Some say this is college, but we have no comment on that.) Almost any time you see a girl bawling uncontrollably at the bar, it’s because she can’t handle her Appletinis. Our best suggestion is find something on the jukebox to drown her out. Something along the lines of Killer Mike‘s “Ready Set Go.”

3. The Secret-Service Bouncer

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We appreciate all the bouncers out there. Dealing with drunks is hard business. However, there are those who think they’re guarding the White House instead of Ladies Night at Thirsty Tony’s. They’ll stand at the door, cross-armed and smugly tear you down. Chances are, these dudes have never been hugged. They’re clearly on a power trip so large that they not only hate their own dads, but ours too. Settle down, bouncers! We just want to drink and meet girls, not start a national crisis.

2. The Guy Who Just Wants To Fight

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He scouts the entire room, then purposely shoves his way to the front of the bar and stares down anyone willing to lock eyes. This is “The Guy Who Just Wants to Fight”. These guys are a virus at any bar. They are looking to contaminate the night with their own insecurities. There is honestly no one worse . Well, except…

1. The Girls Who Won’t Stop Singing Along To ‘Don’t Stop Believing’

singing-chick

Yep. Here we go. Aren’t we sick of this song, yet? Why does it seem like no matter where we go, there is a group of drunk girls ready to repeatedly play “Don’t Stop Believing” on the jukebox and loudly sing along? We’re beginning to think there is a secret society of women who plot which bars this will take place in. Be on the lookout. They may be plotting to hit your bar next…

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Text: RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.
Illustrations: Mike Hollingsworth (@STUFFFEDanimals) will beat you up with animation.