How To Party On Presidents’ Day: Tips From George, Abe, Etc.

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President’s Day is one of those holidays no one understands. Sure, we’re celebrating the guys who’ve led the free world, but there’s no parades or rituals or special foods or anything. The only reason we don’t just call it “Day Off From School/Work Day” is that sleazy car dealerships advertise President’s Day Sales on TV every 87 seconds.

But you probably do have the day off, so why not invent awesome rituals to pass the time? Here’s some fun ideas from our wildest commanders-in-chief…

1. Hunt Organic Grizzly Bears Like Teddy Roosevelt

When he wasn’t busy killing grizzlies with a single shot (impressive considering that grizzlies are scarier than zombies, vampires and meth heads put together), Teddy Roosevelt was cleaning up the most disgusting aspects of the food industry, forcing passage of the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906.

He’d be down with the organic and locavore movements today–as opposed to factory farming–so go hunt a free range bear and then serve it fresh as your party hors d’oeuvres.

2. Make Your Own Bowling Alley Like Richard Nixon

“Tricky Dick” did a whole bunch of unwholesome things during his time in the White House, but he made some positive achievements too, such as opening diplomacy with China and installing a bowling alley in the White House basement.

OK, so you might not have the taxpayer funds to do the same, but you can set up ten empty bottles like bowling pins on your front yard. Get a bowling ball, or a soccer ball, or really any kind of ball will do. Then, just like Nixon did with wiretapping laws, make up your own rules for this hilarious new drinking game.

3. Improvise “Party Favors” Like Bill Clinton

Sigmund Freud, famous pervert and father of psychoanalysis, once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” But sometimes it’s not just a cigar, as our 42nd president, William Jefferson Clinton, made clear with his impressionable intern, Monica Lewinsky.

Even if that’s not your kink, you can learn from Bill’s ability to improvise in a pinch. Like, say, if your plastic bottle opener breaks, use an iPad charger instead.

4. Serve Homebrew Like George Washington

Our first president famously made his own beer, setting a DIY standard for the rest of us to follow. If you want something done right, do it yourself, and that includes tallboys.

Oh yeah, Washington also grew hemp on his farm. Like, a lot of it. Everyone knew the “medicinal” effects of the female part of the plant, and Washington bitched to a friend one year about how he missed the deadline for separating it from the male part. Hmmm… irritated because his stash is cashed? Who acts like that?

Not like we’d ever set up a grow op, but hey, at least that female part is less dangerous than substances which require a rolled-up dollar bill with Washington’s face on it.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, New York.