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NBA All-Star Weekend is basically a groupie national convention. If you're a basketball player or an A-list celeb, you'll be drowning in sex. But what if you can't dunk? Average guys headed to Houston this weekend need a few tricks to score when there's so much high-profile, high-talent competition...
1. Look The Part
Being tall is a good start. In today's increasingly international league, race doesn't matter--you can be tall and Latino, tall and Asian or even tall, bearded and European--as long as you wear an expertly tailored bespoke suit and the finest accessories. (Not to worry if you're short and Jewish; just pretend to be some player's agent or accountant.)
2. Seek Them Out
They won't come to you, because they won't recognize you, so you've gotta go to them. We're talking high-end hotel lobbies and bottle service hip-hop clubs. And Houston's finest purveyors of acrylic nails, hair extensions and vinyl boots.
3. Get An Entourage
NBA players have plenty of friends, assistants and moochers. So you'll need some hangers-on too. It wouldn't hurt if they're as large as bar bouncers, covered in more jewelry than a Zales counter and laugh at all your lame jokes.
4. Have Answers Ready
"Who do you play for?"
"Uh…the Tulsa Born-Agains?"
"Never heard of them."
"They're an…expansion team."
5. Make Her Sign A Release
Nothing will legitimize your standing as a professional athlete quite like producing legal documents (key line: "paternity exemption") in triplicate before you agree to even dance with her.
6. Book A Luxury Suite
Not even the dumbest groupie is going to believe an NBA stud is staying at a filthy Econo Lodge off the freeway. Pro-tip: Avoid any place advertising a "Free Continental Breakfast."