The Best Valentine's Day Gifts (If You Want To Break Up)

Photo via AlterNet

Not all relationships will stand the test of time. If your girlfriend isn't a keeper, but you're too much of a nice guy to do the dumping, a terrible Valentine's Day present will convince her to call it off. She might not see the romance in your strategy, but we do.

1. BFF Candy Heart

Photo: imgur

The candy that says, "Happy Valentine's Day! Welcome to the Friend Zone!"

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2. Together Gloves

Photo: imgur

This is reverse psychology. It looks like a romantic present, but it will actually creep her out so much--because you'll seem like a clingy, codependent weirdo--that she's going to reconsider the relationship.

3. Fast Food Dinner

Photo: imgur

Make your reservations early, because if White Castle runs out of tables, you'll have to take her to some fancy place she'll actually appreciate.

4. Divorce Paperwork CD-ROM

Photo: imgur

For unhappily married guys, try to find this gift discounted for some Valentine's Day sale. You'll save a few bucks right before you lose half your net worth.

5. Her Own Personal Cockroach

Credit: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

For just $10, the Bronx Zoo will let you name a Madagascar hissing cockroach in honor of your girlfriend. Be a man and splurge on a real roach, ya cheapskate.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

Tags bad gifts, Funny Cards, Gifts, photo, Valentine's Day