The Best Valentine’s Day Gifts (If You Want To Break Up)

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Not all relationships will stand the test of time. If your girlfriend isn’t a keeper, but you’re too much of a nice guy to do the dumping, a terrible Valentine’s Day present will convince her to call it off. She might not see the romance in your strategy, but we do.

1. BFF Candy Heart

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The candy that says, “Happy Valentine’s Day! Welcome to the Friend Zone!”

For more on Valentine’s Day, catch “Guy Code” tomorrow at 11p/10 on MTV2

2. Together Gloves

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This is reverse psychology. It looks like a romantic present, but it will actually creep her out so much–because you’ll seem like a clingy, codependent weirdo–that she’s going to reconsider the relationship.

3. Fast Food Dinner

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Make your reservations early, because if White Castle runs out of tables, you’ll have to take her to some fancy place she’ll actually appreciate.

4. Divorce Paperwork CD-ROM

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For unhappily married guys, try to find this gift discounted for some Valentine’s Day sale. You’ll save a few bucks right before you lose half your net worth.

5. Her Own Personal Cockroach

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For just $10, the Bronx Zoo will let you name a Madagascar hissing cockroach in honor of your girlfriend. Be a man and splurge on a real roach, ya cheapskate.