A Stoner’s Guide To Netflix Streaming

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Back in the day, if stoners wanted to watch a movie, they had to drive to Blockbuster at 10 miles per hour. Now, they can just boot up Netflix. It’s easier for them and safer for everybody else.

But with so many films and TV series to choose from, it can be overwhelming. Good thing there’s the “Suggestions For You” tab, which identifies stoner cinema buffs by certain archetypes…

1. The Philosopher

Typical Customer Review: “Dude, You Ever Just Think About The Universe?”

This stoner’s vocabulary is limited to three words: Space. Animals. Awesome. His mind gets blown contemplating his insignificance in the universe and… like… animals, man. Netflix just added “Shark Week,” so it’s Christmas in February. (Of course, as the “Guy Code” cast explained, pot doesn’t actually make you a philosopher.)

2. The Conspiracy Theorist

Typical Customer Review: “That’s Just What They Want You To Believe!”

From 9/11 to JFK, this stoner annoys his friends with dubious factoids he discovered from some documentary. Warning: Might cause paranoia.

+ For more on being stoned, watch “Guy Code” Tuesday at 11/10c on MTV2

3. The Adrenaline Junkie

Typical Customer Review: “Did You Just See That S*** ‘Splode?!”

Sometimes a guy needs to watch a bunch of explosions. Fun enough for sober dudes, but–for stoners–it’s a life-changing experience. Expect to hear a lot of “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?” from this guy whenever Bruce Willis does anything.

4. The Hipster

Typical Customer Review: “I Know, Bro, Let’s Watch ‘Saved By The Bell’!”

This stoner watches terrible stuff on purpose–like that “Bell” episode where Jessie gets hooked on diet pills–just for the irony factor, trolling the absolute depths of one-star content. The real irony? He’s actually paying money to do this. You know it’s time to quit smoking when…

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a writer, comedian and fake talk show host.