How To Apologize When You're Secretly Proud

Credit: Mario Tama/Getty Images

Every now and then, you'll inevitably piss off a friend or girlfriend. Whether it's a prank gone bad or a joke that went too far, you have to roll it back--except you might not actually be sorry. You're a hilarious guy, so why should you apologize?

Well, because otherwise you won't have that friend or girlfriend any longer. But here's the tricky part: Your apology must look authentic. A fake apology is usually worse than whatever precipitated it. Here's how to fool them into forgiving you.

1. Let 'Em Vent

The aggrieved person needs to get the frustration out of their system. Listen and nod as they recount what you did, as if you could possibly forget drawing a penis on their face. It's gonna get really boring, but resist the urge to say, "I get it, I ruined your job interview. Can we move on?" You've got to absorb their anger if you want them to get over this.

+ For more on apologizing, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV

2. Don't Say "But It Was Funny" (No Matter How Funny It Was)

Of course what you did was hysterical. That's why everyone at the party was laughing. Seriously, every single person was laughing. There's even a video of it on YouTube with 30,000 views and no dislikes. Well, just one dislike.

But if you want this person's forgiveness, you have to pretend it was a grave, humorless offense. Just read those YouTube comments in private and enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done.

3. Grovel Like A Champ

Keep repeating that you understand how your actions made them feel disrespected and small. But repeating "I'm sorry" will just bring the attention to yourself. It's not about you and your remorse; it's about them and their whining.

You've got to straddle a fine line with eye contact. Too much makes you look aggressive, too little and you seem indifferent. A well-timed look at your shoes indicates humility and shame. Then shoot a quick glance up to see if they're buying it.

4. It's Not A Lie If You Believe It

No post on how to apologize convincingly would be complete without this bit of advice from one of the best liars in TV history, George Costanza...

+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr

Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

Tags Advice, Apologizing, Fake Apology