5 Ways To Deal While High In Public

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What’s the worst thing about being high? Listening to country music is a close second, but the answer is being in public.

Marijuana might be legalized in a couple states, but that doesn’t mean everyone is cool with it. The judgment of strangers will harsh any buzz. And if you live in a state where pot carries a harsher sentence than murder–we’re looking at you, Montana–you need to learn how to keep a low profile despite your high temperament. Here’s five ways to handle yourself.

1. Sunglasses

Bright light is terrible, whether it’s from the sun or a convenience store’s florescents. Sunglasses even it out, but also give you psychological distance from the outside world. If no one can see your eyes, no one can read your mind. (And mind-reading has been stoners’ biggest fear for 73 years.) Also, have you ever seen “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas“? If sunglasses can help those guys deal, they’ll definitely help you.

Be careful about reflective shades though; people like to make funny faces in those, which is absolutely horrifying.

2. Get Your Story Straight

You’re on your way to the allergy doctor. That’s why you’re so out of it and your eyes are red. Practice your sneezing and wheezing just in case. If it’s nighttime, you just had an eating contest with your friend. That’s why you’re covered with taco grease. Just two sober dudes, having an innocent taco-off. Nobody would doubt that alibi.

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3. Caffeine

You’ll still be high, but you’ll feel capable of performing tasks that don’t involve an Xbox controller and a bag of powdered chips. Just don’t overdo the coffee if you’re prone to paranoia, or else you’ll have the spastic freakout of a lifetime.

4. Exercise

If you can, go for a walk somewhere isolated from people. Or just do calisthenics at home. That extra blood to the head will make you less dumb yet possibly more high.

5. Avoid The Donut Shop

It’s not just a stereotype; cops really do hang out in donut shops. (Maybe they wish they could get high, so they eat stoner foods as a coping mechanism.) Just order delivery or stock up when you’re sober.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, New York.