5 PMS Symptoms That Work In A Guy’s Favor

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PMS spells doom for dudes. If you’re not careful around your girlfriend during that time of the month, you’ll catch a premenstrual whupping, or at least an earful of abuse. But if you view the glass as half-full instead of half-empty, some of her PMS symptoms can actually be a gift to you, not a curse. Tough to believe, we know, but hear us out…

1. Backache

Her back is sore–perfect opportunity to give her a massage, which is an obvious gateway to boning. Go the extra mile: Light some candles, play a little Robin Thicke, commence your thug shiatsu. She’ll be putty in your hands. Besides, sex can ease her cramps, so you’re really doing her a favor.

2. Headache

You’ve made your move mid-massage, but she’s got a PMS migraine. You bring her Advil and then sadly whack off in the bathroom. But here’s the thing: She just turned down sex, which means next time you ask, she’ll feel obligated. It’s the perfect opportunity to fulfill your weird fantasies. “C’mon, baby, just wear the Princess Toadstool costume! Last week you had that headache, remember? You owe me!”

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3. Poor Concentration

In her premenstrual haze, she’ll never notice you drinking O.J. straight from the carton, or not washing your hands after you take a leak. You’re free, for a short time, to live like a barbarian–your natural state. Celebrate with cookies in bed.

4. Fatigue

Hey, at least she’s too tired to scream at you, right?

5. Breast Swelling

Your girlfriend’s boobs just got bigger. Sure, maybe they’re a little tender, but so is a good steak. Suddenly PMS doesn’t seem so bad.

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.