Maker’s Mark: The Bourbon For Guys Who Love Water

Credit: Denver Post via Getty Images

See that glass of bourbon? See that glass of water? You might as well mix ‘em together, because that’s exactly what Maker’s Mark is doing. Time to stock up on the classic formula; the new one will contain 42% alcohol, not 45%. It’s like New Coke all over again, except more of a betrayal.

See, the problem is too many people are drinking too much bourbon. (We don’t call that a “problem” so much as a “weekend.”) Kentucky can’t keep up with demand–it’s now responsible for more than a third of the U.S. liquor market–and there’s just not enough to go around. (All right, that’s a problem.)

Maker’s already raised prices; unfortunate but understandable. However, there’s no excuse for diluting the supply to boost profits like a weed dealer who cuts his stash with oregano. And the company’s heirs think you’re a sucker who doesn’t know any better.

“We have both tasted it extensively, and it’s completely consistent with the taste profile our founder/dad/grandfather … created nearly 60 years ago,” the scoundrels claim. “We’ve also done extensive testing with Maker’s Mark drinkers, and they couldn’t tell a difference.”

Yeah, maybe, but we can tell the difference between good honest folks who sell a quality product and greedy corporate jerk-offs who charge more for less. So the next time we order a Manhattan or Old-Fashioned, we’re gonna specify Jim Beam or Knob Creek or Booker’s or… wait, the same company owns all those?

Fine, we’re just gonna have to brew this s*** in our bathtubs. And unlike Maker’s Mark, we won’t turn on the faucet.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog