The 5 Kinds Of Stoners When It Comes To Munchies


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One of the problems with getting stoned, aside from spending your entire life watching Netflix, is that you get hungry as hell. And you’re probably not gonna eat the best food. (Oh, it’ll taste good, but you’re too high to notice that you’ve put on 10 pounds in a week.)

Just like sober people have individual food preferences, there are five kinds of cannabis cuisine profiles.

1. The Inner Child

Normally this office worker’s breakfast is coffee and plain Cheerios. But when he’s stoned, it’s a big bowl of Lucky Charms or Cookie Crisp for lunch, dinner and fourth meal. Bonus points for using chocolate milk.

2. The Scientist

This probably sounds familiar: “Man, you ever think about making a PB&J with a donut?” No, ’cause we were planning on living beyond 40.

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3. The Chef

Far too dignified to just rip open a bag of potato chips, this stoner is gonna make a fancy meal from scratch like a damn adult. Just don’t forget to turn the oven off.

4. The Health Nut

For the stoner who doesn’t want to be a fatass. Trade those Skittles for apples. “Bro, it’s like I can really taste this Granny Smith!”

5. The Madman

He’s gone one toke over the line, and the rules of civilization are off. “F*** it, man,” he’ll say, “who says I can’t dip a chicken leg into ice cream?” Nobody, brother. That’s who.

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a writer, comedian and fake talk show host.