Horoscopes For Guys: Happy Chinese New Year

This week, we’re going to stray a bit from our usual astrological charts and see what the Chinese Zodiac has to say. Yesterday was the Chinese New Year, where we officially entered the year of the Snake. Sounds badass, right? Because it is! Anyway, Chinese zodiacs are based on birth years, which we’ve listed below for your convenience. Enjoy the year of the Snake, dudes.

+Rat (1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008)

You’re energetic and goal-oriented. You aim high. When someone’s like, “You can’t drink 12 beers in 12 minutes,” you’re like, “Yes I can.” And then you do it, and you don’t even hate yourself the next day. Avoid the Horse, Rooster and Sheep. You’re a better match with Ox, Dragon, Snake and Monkey.

+Ox (1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009)

You use routine and method to forge your own path. You will one day own a large house that you earned through hard work. When you find a woman to settle down with, be sure to get a prenup, or she will eventually own that large house. Avoid the Sheep, stick with the Snake and Rooster.

+Tiger  (1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010)

You’re always in search of a new adventure. You’re a trailblazer. Be sure to use protection when blazing trails, and seeking adventure. Especially if you know the trail has been blazed a bunch of times by a bunch of other dudes. Horse and Dog are your best matches, Monkey es no bueno.

+Rabbit (1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011)

You’re kind of  zen-like. You’re super laid back, and women love that kind of thing. If you’re really looking to score, try places like jam-band concerts and coffee shops. Also, try growing dreadlocks (but only if you’re Black). Sheep and Boar are your matches, avoid the Rooster. Rooster’s will harsh your high.
(Kai is probably a Rabbit)

+Dragon (1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012)

You’re an energetic, powerful presence. Are you in a band? Because you should be, and you should be the lead singer. Don’t be afraid to wear skinny jeans or tight leather pants. Avoid the Dog (and Dog the Bounty Hunter). Go with Rat and Monkey, put them in your rhythm section.

+Snake (1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013)

This is your year, Snake! You’ve got the wisdom and good looks to do it, right? Avoid shopping malls and monogamous relationships. They are the pitfalls of foolish modern men. Team up with Ox and Rooster, steer clear of the Boar.

+Horse (1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014)

Some people call you flighty, but that’s just because you can’t be held down. You’re a charmer. Use it, bro. Get a sales job. Move to a new town for six months and lie about your identity. It’ll be fun! Stay away from the Rat, welcome the Tiger and Dog.

+Sheep (1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015)

You’re trusting and gentle. Use that to your advantage when attempting to get out of the friend zone. She’ll never see it coming. Avoid the Ox, pair up with Rabbits and Boars.

+Monkey (1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016)

You’re a true original and your only concern is having fun (just like that Cyndi Lauper song, but for guys). Throw a party, or better yet convince a rich friend to throw a party. Then you won’t have to clean anything up. Rat and Dragon are your friends, Tigers are not.

+Rooster (1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017)

You’re on an unending quest for perfection. You might be eccentric and misunderstood, but nothing can get in the way of your own goals. Except maybe crippling winter depression. Get counseling for that, then attempt world domination. Ox and Snake good, Rabbit bad.

+Dog (1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018)

You’re honorable and sensitive. Also loyal. Just be careful you’re not loyal to the wrong lady. Avoid women who are angry at their dads. Tiger and Horse are safe, beware the Dragon (and girls with dragon tattoos).

+Boar (1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019)

You’re very giving and affable. When people talk about you, they say, “He’s a real nice guy.” Nice guys generally finish last, but not if they start lifting weights. Get ripped dude. Sheep and Dragon are cool with you, the Snake is not.

+ Follow Guy Code on TwitterFacebook and Tumblr

Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.