Only a moron claims that real men don’t cook. Food’s the best, and your next BBQ will be even better with a Stone Age meat tenderizer and a teapot hilariously shaped like a boner. Here’s a bunch of kitchen accessories–some homemade, others sold commercially–that’ll help turn your kitchen into your man cave. Ready? Let’s get cookin’.
1. Batman kitchen apron
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na APRON!
2. Bullet ice cube tray
Full ice cube jacket.
3. Caveman meat tenderizer, dicer
Beat your meat like our ancestors did.
4. Cock and balls tea pot
When your tea whistles, your girlfriend will too.
5. Bacon kitchen towel
Wipes up the grease so you can squeeze it back into the dish.
6. Bogey man egg separator
No more egg shards in your omelet, if you don’t mind the snot.
7. Guitar spatula
For those about to cook: We salute you.
8. Brass knuckle tenderizer
And when you’re done grilling, bring it to a fight.
9. Knife holder
We always heard cooking’s a good way to get your rage out.
10. Circular saw pizza cutter
Construct your master-pizza, then cut it like a boss.
11. Talking remote meat thermometer
Talk to your meat from any room in the house. (If it talks back, turn up the oven heat.)
12. “Bakeball Bat” rolling pin
It’s always cookie time while the hot stove warms. Batter up.
13. Hot sauce spray torch
When just a drop of the hot stuff won’t suffice.
14. A steamer, made by Cleveland
Not to be confused with… actually, we’re not even gonna let it enter our minds.
15. Gangster cheese grater
Those bullet holes perfectly carve up hard-to-grate Parmesan cheese. Also good for when some snitch goes against the family.