First Date Tips From Zeus, God Of Lightning And Seduction


Credit: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

On last night’s  ”Guy Code,” you learned how to plan a first date: Keep it casual, pay for dinner, never bring up your ex and don’t expect to get laid yet. But for Zeus, the Greco-Roman king of the gods, those rules go out the window. That dude could use his powers to get laid a million different ways.

Even if you can’t hurl lightning bolts and shape-shift into any creature imaginable, you can still learn a few things from this ancient deity’s dating style.

1. Zeus And Europa

The Myth: Europa was a legendary babe that all Phoenician men wanted. To set himself apart from those bums, Zeus transformed into a bull. She got on his back for a ride. He high-tailed it to the island of Crete, then transformed back and made Europa his queen.

The Lesson: If you can’t afford to take your date to a Greek isle, you can at least schedule a fun day trip near the water.

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2. Zeus And Aegina

The Myth: Impressed by Aegina’s beauty, Zeus turned himself into an eagle, picked her up and flew to an island near Attica. (He had a thing for taking chicks to remote islands.)

The Lesson: Women love a man who can carry them. Hit the gym.

3. Zeus And Callisto

The Myth: An attendant to Artemis, goddess of chastity, Callisto had taken a vow to remain a virgin. That didn’t discourage Zeus, who tricked her by making himself look like Artemis. Apparently girl-on-girl stuff was allowed.

The Lesson: You probably shouldn’t show up to a first date dressed in drag, but don’t be afraid to get in touch with your feminine side, if it helps you get in touch with females.

4. Zeus and Danae

The Myth: An oracle told Danae’s father that her son would grow up to kill him. So he locked her in a tower. Seemed like a good plan, until Zeus sneaked up there by transforming into a shower of golden rain. Nine months later, she gave birth.

The Lesson: The meaning of “golden shower” has changed dramatically since ancient times.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.