4 Religious Practices That Will Get You Wasted

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You’re stuck in church, bored out of your mind, wishing you were back at the bar. Well, there are a number of religious practices that can make pious Sunday mornings an extension of unholy Saturday nights. (Warning: may cause addiction, illness, death and then going to hell for taking advantage of your religion.)

1. Sacramental Wine

The blood of Christ has an alcoholic content between 10-18% depending on how cool your priest is. Back during Prohibition, this was the only (legal) way to get a buzz on. Almost worth sitting through Mass.

2. Godly Ganja

Popularized by Bob Marley and Spencer gifts, the Rastafarian faith teaches that pot grew on King Solomon’s grave and provides a special closeness with Jah. Which surely has nothing to do with why Snoop Lion converted.

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3. Spiritual Shrooms

Siberian shamans would place their psychedelic fungi in townspeople’s hung stockings, oftentimes by entering through their chimney. Sound familiar? Magic mushrooms might’ve influenced the Santa Claus story. (He didn’t make reindeer fly…he was just tripping balls.)

4. The Peyote Way

Peyote is protected by federal law for religious use by Native Americans. (Also, for non-Native Americans located in Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Oregon and Nevada.) Overpowering hallucinations, extreme nausea, side effects that last for multiple days… yeah, maybe we’ll just stick to church after all.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles