The 5 Best Patron Saints For Normal Guys’ Prayers


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Yesterday we told you all about the weirdest patron saints, but most of us don’t have hemorrhoids or lose our keys often enough to necessitate divine intervention. Good thing there’s a saint for every dude’s ecumenical needs. Whenever a guy needs assistance from on high, these beatified bros have our backs. They’re like our celestial wingmen.

1. St. Sebastian, the Patron Saint of Athletes

Every sports fan has gotten on his knees and asked God to bring his team a win in its most dire moments. So the Church dedicated a saint to the protection and perseverance of athletes. He even has his own holiday, St. Sebastian’s Feast on January 20, because NFL fans can’t have enough smorgasbords leading up to their annual Super Bowl party.

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2. St. Fiacre, the Patron Saint Against STDs

You wake up to piss and feel a burning discharge. Within the hour, a recent hookup calls to inform you that she’s got some bad medical news. You’ll be praying like a monk in no time flat. Better hope that St. Fiacre provides more protection than that condom you didn’t wear.

3. St. Louis IX, the Patron Saint of New Orleans

Few places can make you feel more like a man than the Big Easy. It’s got the best food, endless cups of beer and more naked women roaming around than the Playboy mansion. But as any viewer of “Treme” knows, it can also be a dangerous place if you wander down the wrong street after guzzling too many Hurricanes. Thankfully, the Crescent City has a saint to watch over it… and its idiot tourists.

4. St. Luke the Apostle, the Patron Saint of Brewers

Beer doesn’t just rain down from the sky. (Although that would be amazing.) Craftsmen have to watch over it for weeks until it reaches perfection. The least you can offer in return is a prayer for their wisdom and well-being.

5. St. Bibiana, the Patron Saint of Hangovers

Damn those beer brewers straight to hell! Even the most atheistic among us will admit to praying for an end to occasional morning agony. But direct your prayers toward St. Bibiana, not the Big Guy, who’s got more important s*** to deal with.

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Danny Gallagher (@thisisdannyg) is a humorist and good Catholic boy.