The 5 Most Badass Guys In The Bible

Credit: One2believe

Thousands of years ago, people wanted answers to life’s big mysteries: Where did we come from? How long have we been here? What else is out there? They didn’t have science to provide much context, so they came up with some of the most epic, violent stories imaginable. It was kinda like UFC with a fire-breathing angry G-O-D as the referee. Here’s what Sunday school didn’t teach you about the biggest biblical badasses.

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1. David

Photo via Wikipedia

Nicknames: Dave, The Giant Killer

Signature Move: Slingshot to the Face

Fighter Bio: Israel, as usual, was at war. The enemy had this enormous, nine-foot-tall dick named Goliath who scared the bejeezus out of pretty much everyone. So David, this teenage runt, walks right up and kills the f*** out of him with a rock. Then he cuts off Goliath’s head and becomes king, ’cause why not? Who has the “giant pair” now?

2. Paul

Photo via Wikipedia

Highest Title Won: Apostle

Alias: Changed his name from Saul. (Changing your name by only one letter? Diddy does it.)

Fighter Bio: On his first missionary journey he blinds a guy who criticized his teachings; that’s what you get for talkin’ smack. Lands in jail, decides to stay there–in the middle of a massive earthquake–until his jailor converts. Now that’s some “I’m Not Locked In Here With You, You’re Trapped In Here With Me” type s***.

3. Ehud

Photo via Wikipedia

Sneak Attacks: 18-inch sword to the solar plexus. Left handed. Possible Jedi.

Fighter Bio: Ehud goes to the Moabite king to pay Israel’s exorbitant taxes. Tells King Mo that he’s got a message from God to deliver. Real hush, hush, so better send your guards out of the room. Sucker falls for it, at which point Ehud buries his sword to the hilt in the king’s gut. Whoa. Cue dramatic escape scene. Boba Fett goes into the sarlacc’s mouth and then it’s peace in Israel for 80 years. Tax-free.

4. Samson

Photo via Wikipedia

Catchphrase: “Samson Smash!”

Strengths: Strength.

Fighter Bio: Dude grows his hair out because what does he care? The mullet gives him super strength. Like “we don’t need an army, we’ve got a Samson” strength. Wrestles a lion, slays an entire army, destroys a pagan temple, dies happy. Legend.

5. Jacob

Photo via Wikipedia

Uniform: Coat of Many Colors

Manager: Joseph (former), Pharaoh

Fighter Bio: Snakes his brother out of an inheritance. Marries a couple sisters, ’cause it turns his crank. Flees from uncle trying to kill him. WRESTLES GOD. Yeah, seriously. (This is back around the time Ric Flair‘s getting his start.) Jacob’s all, “Come at me, bro,” and they duke it out all night. Punching God is like punching a bar bouncer; you just don’t do it… but Jacob does, fighting the deity to a standstill, and God rewards him for it with a blessing. If that ain’t badass, we don’t know what is.

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Jim Brennan (@JimJBrennan) is a freelance writer in the New York City area.