8 Actual Patron Saints Of Weird Things

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Whatever religion you subscribe to, it probably offers certain rewards if you follow its laws. Maybe you’ll go to heaven or be reincarnated as a Super Bowl-winning quarterback. If you’re particularly faithful, you might even become a patron saint.

Sainthood has its benefits–like a bigger apartment in heaven, we’re guessing–but it’s not without responsibilities. You must intercede with God on behalf of people who have something in common: A town, a career field, a disease, etc. Unfortunately, most of the good things are taken. So you’d better hope that you become the patron saint of something you like… ’cause eternity can feel like pretty long time.

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1. Patron Saint Against Hemorrhoids

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And not just hemorrhoids; St. Fiacre is also the patron saint against sterility and syphilis. Plus, he’s the patron saint of, uh, cab drivers. That might be a coincidence, but tip your cabbie a little extra just in case it isn’t; he’s got a tough life.

2. Patron Saint Of Lost Keys

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Poor St. Zita. He lived a pious life, and now he must spend all day screaming, “They’re in your coat pocket” or “You left them in the doorknob again, stupid.”

3. Patron Saint Of Bird Dealers

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Got a bird to sell? Then you’ve got St. John the Baptist on your side. (The bird market ain’t as popular as it used to be, so St. John has almost no work to do. He can just Gchat all day with Einstein and Mozart and still get paid.)

4. Patron Saint Of Clowns And Comics

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St. Genesius of Rome hung out with the likes of Richard Pryor and George Carlin. Not exactly the most religious guys in the world, but we’d like to think they got through the pearly gates OK with a reference letter from their patron saint.

5. Patron Saint Of Pawnbrokers

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The story goes that an indebted man considered selling his daughters into prostitution. St. Nicholas of Myra gave him three sacks of gold so the girls would be spared. Today, pawnbrokers continue to lend money to some of the world’s worst people.

6. Patron Saint Of People Fighting Communism

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Communism isn’t much of a global threat these days, because St. Joseph was so good at his job that he caused his own unemployment. Speaking of which, why hasn’t Rocky Balboa been canonized yet?

7. Patron Saint Of Stockbrokers

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Of course those greedy Wall Street fat cats managed to get themselves St. Matthew, one of the twelve apostles, as their patron saint. Someone check his Swiss bank account for unreported earnings.

8. Patron Saint Of Television Writers

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St. Claire of Assisi knows what’s up. Thanks for making “Guy Code” such a hit, lady.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) will be the patron saint of those with few Twitter followers.