5 Proposed Punishments For Cock Blocking


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A law is pointless without a penalty for breaking it. For example, cock blocking is a serious social crime–as “Guy Code” explained last night–but it’s not on the books anywhere, so jerks continue to get away with it.

No government can enforce Guy Code; it relies on all men, regardless of nation or creed, to adhere to its principles… and to enforce punishments when those principles are broken. Of course, the penalties must depend on the severity of the violation, kinda like how charges for killing someone range from involuntary manslaughter to first-degree murder. In that spirit, here’s proposed punishments for five degrees of cock blocking.

Level 1 Cock Blocking


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The Crime: You’ve been talking to a girl for a few minutes, and your friend ruins it accidentally. Maybe he’s drunk and interrupts the conversation with a dirty joke. The girl leaves, and your prospect is ruined.

The Punishment: Since it was unintentional and you hadn’t gotten too far anyway (and his dirty joke was pretty good), he just owes you a beer. In terms of severity, this is equivalent to a parking ticket.

Level 2 Cock Blocking


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The Crime: Your friend cock blocks you accidentally, except you’ve talked to the girl for hours. There was real chemistry; sex was (almost) guaranteed, maybe even a lifetime of happiness together. Now you’ll just fall asleep to Netflix and a half-eaten sandwich.

The Punishment: He covers your drinks for the rest of the night. And pays for the sandwich.

Level 3 Cock Blocking


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The Crime: This is a far more heinous violation of Guy Code. Your friend accidentally cock blocks you, as in the previous scenarios, but then takes the girl home himself. (Maybe she loved his dirty joke?) He apologizes in the morning, but still.

The Punishment: The perpetrator must pay for your drinks all month long, and agree to an act of public humiliation. For example, you write “COCK BLOCKER” on his face with a Sharpie, and then he walks around town. It’s like a modern-day “Scarlet Letter.”

Level 4 Cock Blocking


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The Crime: It takes a true monster to intentionally cock block a fellow guy. This is no accident; premeditation comes into play.

The Punishment: A slap on the wrist won’t suffice. The selfish bastard must allow you unlimited access to his Facebook page for five minutes, enough time to ruin his life with politically controversial status updates and inappropriate messages to family/coworkers/exes.

Level 5 Cock Blocking


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The Crime: Just like how certain states have “Three Strikes and You’re Out” laws, which punish repeat criminality with a lifetime sentence, this one is reserved for serial cock blockers who simply cannot be reformed.

The Punishment: A lifetime sentence, yes… in a medieval male chastity belt.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) believes in the security that a punishment gives.