The 5 Guys You Don’t Want At A Super Bowl Party

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This weekend can’t come soon enough, because it’s SUPER BOWL PARTY TIME, the most wonderful time of the year. (Buffalo wings are rarely served on Christmas.)

All your friends will love you for throwing a Super Bowl party, especially if your TV is bigger than theirs. But if you do throw one, you’ve gotta be selective with the guest list, ’cause certain guys will ruin it for everyone…

For more on the Super Bowl, watch “Guy Code” tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

1. The Guy Who Hates Football

We get it, you’re a nerd. Football is meaningless to you. Now you’re stuck at a Super Bowl party, and some team you’ve never heard of has scored a touchdown against some other team you’ve never heard of. You don’t cheer or groan, because you don’t care, so instead you make a joke along the lines of, “Oh, did they score a HOME RUN? Ha! Ha!”

You know who gets a home run confused with a touchdown? No one ever in the history of things. It’s not cute or amusing how little you understand the thing that everyone else loves so much. Just give the guy next to you a high-five, swig your beverage and keep it to yourself how much better “Battlestar Galactica” is than this football noise.

2. The Guy Who Thinks He’s A Professional Sports Commentator

Equally as annoying as the previous dork, this nerd has watched football every Sunday for the past 10 years, sacrificing any hope for a real and meaningful relationship with a woman. He inevitably assaults everybody in earshot with meaningless buzzword-filled drivel (for example, “Blitz! They should blitz!” and “Watch out for the screen!”) until they want to stab themselves with a particularly sharp carrot from the veggie tray.

Dude, you played pee-wee football when you were eight, and scored a touchdown once. We don’t need you to explain the difference between a Cover 2 defense and a Zone Blitz. You’re not Hall of Fame coach Don Shula; you’re a dingus who does data entry. Shut up. Now.

3. The Guy Who Cheers And Boos At The Commercials

“I just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.” Wow, man, you know who else has lots of opinions on the commercials? My grandmother. She thinks they’re a real hoot.

Nobody cares whether you enjoyed one commercial (where a guy got hit in the nuts) more than the previous commercial (where a guy got hit in the nuts). Either knock it off or start sending me a card on my birthday with a fiver in it.

4. The Guy Who Roots For the Opposite Team

This dude just wants to be a dick. He’s the non-Internet version of a troll. If everyone at the party lives in Baltimore and is wearing Ray Lewis jerseys, he’ll root for the 49ers just to mix things up. He’s never even been to San Francisco.

Now, if you’re actually a fan of the opposing team, that’s a little different. But still, keep your celebrations restrained to a gentlemanly low-key fist pump. You’re a guest in someone’s home.

5. Finally, Just Never Be This Guy

Credit: Getty Images

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a writer, comedian and fake talk show host.