The Top 5 Male Insecurities (And How To Overcompensate)

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Women talk freely about their insecurities, but guys cover ‘em up. We don’t care how ridiculous we look, as long as we also look confident. Deep down, however, five major insecurities plague men, from our bodies to our bank accounts.

We here at Guy Code Blog can’t help you expunge your deep-seated neuroses–you’re gonna need a shrink for that–although we can suggest some extreme ways to counterbalance them for appearance’s sake. Which might or might not ruin your life.

For more on insecurity, watch “Guy Code” tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

1. Muscles

There was a time when women considered lanky Jimmy Stewart a silver-screen hunk. But now Hollywood’s leading men are jacked beyond what you’ll ever accomplish with 30 minutes at the gym. The average guy is starting to feel like a slob in comparison; warped body image is no longer just a female issue.

Prescribed Overcompensation: Pec implants. Ab implants. Bicep implants. Ass implants. You’ll be more silicone than human, but you won’t feel ashamed when you look in the mirror. (Unless the doctor botches the operation and turns you into Frankenstein’s monster. At least you’ll never have to buy a Halloween costume again.)

2. Finances

One thing has not changed: Men still feel plenty of pressure to be the provider. Even if your girlfriend isn’t a gold-digger, she still doesn’t want to date a broke loser. It’s not exactly romantic when you pay for her croissant with quarters.

Prescribed Overcompensation: All those credit card applications you get in the mail? FREE MONEY. But what good is it if you don’t have a bunch of nice stuff to show off? Spare no expense; you can just pay off the compound interest later.

3. Baldness

Is it the shampoo you use? Bad genes? Your mom’s dad? Er, wait, your dad’s mom? (Which ancestor is responsible again?) It gets confusing, but one thing’s for sure: Going bald sucks, especially if you have a head shaped like a cashew.

Prescribed Overcompensation: This guy has it figured out…

4. Impotence

We all want to excel at bedtime sports, but not everyone can make the all-star team. Every guy has had a few nights when he fell short of his own (and her) expectations, but if this is a regular problem for you, it can lead to chronic self-doubt.

Prescribed Overcompensation: Towel lifts. (Start with paper towels, work your way up to dumbbells.)

5. Penis Size

What did you think would be guys’ biggest insecurity? Of course this is our confidence pivot-point. If you aren’t happy about your dick, you won’t be happy about anything.

Prescribed Overcompensation: Buy a fancy car, preferably red in color. It won’t make you any bigger, but it’s what guys with this problem have done since time immemorial.

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.