The 7 Types Of Cock Blockers: From Your Ex To Yourself

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Cock blockers: They’re everywhere. At parties, bars, weddings, even (if you’re a sick bastard) funerals. Wherever they pop up, you can’t get your rocks off. No matter who does it, it’s so frustrating that it feels beyond cock blocking: it’s cock goaltending. And sometimes they’re not even people; plenty of other factors can keep you from fulfilling your biological urge. With so many obstacles standing in your way, it’s a miracle you ever get laid at all.

For more on cock-blocking, watch “Guy Code” tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

1. The Ex

Your ex-girlfriend can cock-block you directly–by telling her gal pals what a jerk you are to ruin your chances with them–but also indirectly. For example, if you s**t-talk her, girls will assume you’ve got anger issues; if you say nice things about her, girls will assume you’re still carrying a torch. She’s basically haunting you from the relationship grave.

2. A Suitor

This dude has decided to compete with you for a girl’s attention, even if you’ve already made it out with her… in front of him. He’ll try to take you down a peg or six, either by playing up his awesome exploits, belittling yours or both. This guy sucks at life, but you’ll look like a dick if you strangle him. Your best bet is to maintain confidence without looking like you’re trying too hard. (If you figure out how to do this, let us know.)

3. Your Parents

Nothing f***s up your game like your parents being their awful selves in front of a girl. It’s one thing if your mom shows her pictures of you as a toddler, pooping on your model train set; your lady will find that adorable. But if your parents ridicule her job and “low-class” clothes, then you’re in trouble. The trick here is to never let her meet your parents. Tell her you’re an orphan; tell your parents that you’ve taken a vow of celibacy.

4. Your Digestive System

Got a fancy car? Six-pack abs? Do you make cool art? None of that matters if you also have uncontrollable flatulence. No guy can hold the methane in 100% of the time, but don’t let it slip out within the first six months–or however long it takes for unconditional love to devleop–or else your ass will block your cock.

5. A Pet

Obviously, if you have a dog that women consider adorable, that’s a cock unblocker. But you could also have an ugly, smelly, mean pet that grosses her out and scares her away. In that case, it’s not a difficult choice between your doggy and her p… um… “cat.”

6. An Inanimate Object

If she’s shallow, she’ll judge you based on your car and clothes. If she’s more intellectual, she’ll still judge you, except based on your books and wall decorations and vinyl records. (You listen to vinyl, right? So convenient!) Either way, the inanimate object that’s really cock-blocking you is money.

7. Your Dumb Opinions

If your parents never taught you the rule “don’t discuss religion and politics at the dinner table,” then you need to learn it quick. Not only does arguing upset one’s digestion; scientists are now discovering that it upsets sex hormone production as well.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, New York.