5 Celebs Who Could Steal Your Girl (And Why It Would Hurt)


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Sometimes it feels like we can’t leave our girlfriends alone for one minute. We come back from the bathroom at the bar and some fool is slobbering all over her. Even if she introduces you as her boyfriend, the dude KEEPS TALKING TO HER. This is, like, a Turbo Cock Block Move. Luckily, 99 times out of 100, she’ll ignore this jerk.

But there’s that other 1% when you’re completely outmatched. Some guys you just have zero chance against: Movie stars, pro athletes, platinum-selling musicians. You see one of these dudes talkin’ your chick up, order a round of shots and say your goodbyes.

For more on cock-blocking, watch “Guy Code” tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

1. Bruno Mars


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Sure, you can understand why your girl would leave you for a chart-topping, native Hawaiian soul singer who makes more money while putting on his pants than you do all year long. But how bad would it sting to get dumped for a guy in a fedora? (Who can actually pull it off? It’s like he’s a GQ advertisement come to life.)

2. Colin Kaepernick


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Kaepernick has gone from benchwarming nobody to Super Bowl starter in about a month. If he notices your girlfriend at a victory parade, you’re outta luck, ’cause he won’t be fazed by you (or whatever weird tattoos you might have on your arms). Seeing her disappear with this guy would just be another example of a jock getting whatever he wants.

3. Channing Tatum


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You think you have a chance against a jacked A-list actor? News flash: Your girlfriend watched “Magic Mike” on the big screen–two or three times–for a reason. Yeah, he’s married, so you’re probably safe, but just imagine: Every time you go to the grocery store, tabloids in the checkout aisle proclaim your ex “Channing’s Chick.” You buy candy bars to soothe the hurt, and then your body looks even less like his.

4. Chris Brown


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We’re not gonna mention you-know-what happening with you-know-who. But in addition to seven top-10 singles, Chris Brown can dance like he’s teaching the floor a lesson. Sure, he might have a temper, but imagine what your anger issues must be if your girl is picking him over you.

5. Michael Phelps


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Michael Phelps is only the world-record holder for Olympic gold medals, has the physique of a Navy SEAL, possesses a talent for a sport probably granted to him by the Illuminati and earns millions in endorsement deals. When your parents ask what happened to the daughter-in-law they wanted, just try explaining that you lost her to a guy who retired at age 27 when you can’t even find a job.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.