Super Bowl Monday: The Case For A New National Holiday

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Pretty much everyone gets New Year’s Day off from work. This is because employers know all workers will be hungover and useless. However, we’re expected to show up the day after the Super Bowl, even though everyone (well, every guy) is similarly incapacitated. So why hasn’t Super Bowl Monday likewise become a national vacation day? We must bring about this change–preferably before this weekend–and here’s why…

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1. The Super Bowl Is A Major American Event

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Football connects Americans across all racial, economic and political differences. Super Bowl Sunday isn’t just a block of television programming; it’s a countrywide celebration, much like the Fourth of July, another out-of-office holiday.

So if your boss demands your presence at the office on Monday, you should threaten to strike. We all should. After corporate executives see the awesome and unified power of the working class, they’ll be too terrified not to give us the day off.

2. It Can Replace Labor Day

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If employers are resistant, we can offer to retire Labor Day, so the total number of holidays would remain the same. Yes, several striking workers died to create Labor Day. It’s not that we don’t appreciate their sacrifice–we’ve always loved those September BBQs–but we just want to change the date. (Besides, those heroic strikers of yore would totally agree to this if they knew how much fun it is to gamble on prop bets.)

3. Only For Cities In The Super Bowl?

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All right, here’s another compromise between management and labor. Work will be cancelled, but only in municipalities whose teams make it to the championship game. This would help stimulate local economies, since workers will move to cities with the best teams, as the holiday would be a major quality-of-life draw. (Millions of New Yorkers would skip town this year…)

4. Based On Proven Fan Affiliation

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Let’s say the aforementioned compromise is reached. What if you’re a 49ers or Ravens fan who happens to live in, like, Philly? Shouldn’t you get the day off, just like your brethren in San Francisco or Baltimore?

At the very least, the government should pass a law allowing fans of the winning team to skip work. Just show your boss a photo of yourself wearing clothes with your team’s logo, and you qualify. It’s fraud-proof, because you’ve probably bothered the whole office about your team all season anyway.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) could get elected president with these ideas.