Russian Military To Examine Soldiers’ Penises For Tattoos, Gayness

Credit: AFP/Getty Images

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” no longer applies to gay U.S. troops, but their Russian counterparts aren’t so lucky. Vladimir Putin’s Defense Ministry has authorized new medical exam guidelines to check for tattoos, which can supposedly indicate “possible sexual deviations.” Especially if they’re in certain locations: “Special attention should be paid to tattoos around the face and on the sex organs and buttocks.”

The guidelines were inspired by a 2005 psychology textbook that links “the malleability of the young man” who gets tattoed out of peer pressure with “disposition to submit to another’s will.” You know, in the barracks?

First off, most gay dudes–we’re guessing–don’t have dong tats. Secondly, holy crap, that sounds painful. (There is not enough local anesthetic in this world…) Thirdly, implementing a mandatory dick and ass examination probably says waaaaay more about homophobic officials than it does about any individual soldier.

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