How To Measure Your Penis With A Smartphone

Photo: VSM Enterprises

So you want to know your dong size, but a ruler is too low-tech and old-fashioned for a gadget enthusiast like you. Well, it’s your lucky day, because there’s an app for that: “Penis and Condom Sizer,” available for 99 cents. Send your thanks to the developers at VSM Enterprises, which we’re hoping has a strict privacy policy. Here’s the pitch:

Have you ever wondered how you stack up to the rest of the world? How about to another entire ethnicity? Do you need to figure out what condom size you are? Find out how you compare to the following ethnicities:

*Caucasian Penis Size
*African American Penis Size
*Asian Penis Size
*Indian Penis Size
*Middle Eastern Penis Size

Wow, that’s a whole lot of racial stereotypes. (Paging Jonah Falcon.) Too bad the only customer review at Google Play calls the sizer “worthless” and questions its accuracy: “According to this app, a 49 inch penis with a half inch girth wears XML condoms while a 2 inch penis with a 17 inch girth needs regular condoms. This app is super lame and I want my money back.”

So, maybe guys should agree to stick with wooden rulers to measure our woodies. ‘Cause the next time you make a call with your friend’s phone, you just might be holding his penis skin cells against your face. All 49 inches of them.

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