This week is pretty much just a countdown ’til the Super Bowl. Which team should you bet all your cash on? Turn to the stars for answers. (You’ll have to make sense of the stars without my help, though, ’cause I’m not taking responsibility for this one.)
You’ve chipped away at your financial burdens. Stay on that path by insisting that your next date pay for dinner. If she refuses, scream “sexist!” and storm out of the restaurant.
Seasonal depression runs in your family. Move somewhere without seasons, like Hawaii. Or somewhere without seasonings, like Ireland.
You’re down on your love life. You can’t find a lady. You’ve tried everything… but have you tried getting a job with health benefits? (They’ll come out of the woodwork.)
Persistence is everything. Stay true to your own path, no matter what your family and friends say at the intervention.
Quit rushing! Life is meant to be enjoyed at a leisurely pace. (If you have trouble relaxing, I know a guy.)
Try to see things from other people’s perspective. Your farts aren’t drowned out by music just because you’re wearing headphones.
Mend fences with your father. When he’s gone someday, you’ll wish you had. Just to clear up that whole sexuality issue.
The only remedy for heartbreak is time. Time and Xbox.
Keep your pants on. These short, cold days make everybody want to couple up, but come spring you’d gnaw your arm off to get out of a relationship.
Indecisive? Use a magic 8-ball to make all your choices. So incredibly freeing.
Need something to do with all your extra time? Volunteer in the community. Or put a bunch of holes in some drywall and then patch them back up.
Don’t fear mistakes. Tonight’s bad decision is tomorrow’s awesome bar story.