Horoscopes for Guys: Predicting Jan. 25 – 31

This week is pretty much just a countdown ’til the Super Bowl. Which team should you bet all your cash on? Turn to the stars for answers. (You’ll have to make sense of the stars without my help, though, ’cause I’m not taking responsibility for this one.)

+ Aries

You’ve chipped away at your financial burdens. Stay on that path by insisting that your next date pay for dinner. If she refuses, scream “sexist!” and storm out of the restaurant.

+ Taurus

Seasonal depression runs in your family. Move somewhere without seasons, like Hawaii. Or somewhere without seasonings, like Ireland.

+ Gemini

You’re down on your love life. You can’t find a lady. You’ve tried everything… but have you tried getting a job with health benefits? (They’ll come out of the woodwork.)

+ Cancer

Persistence is everything. Stay true to your own path, no matter what your family and friends say at the intervention.

+ Leo

Quit rushing! Life is meant to be enjoyed at a leisurely pace. (If you have trouble relaxing, I know a guy.)

+ Virgo

Try to see things from other people’s perspective. Your farts aren’t drowned out by music just because you’re wearing headphones.

+ Libra

Mend fences with your father. When he’s gone someday, you’ll wish you had. Just to clear up that whole sexuality issue.

+ Scorpio

The only remedy for heartbreak is time. Time and Xbox.

+ Sagittarius

Keep your pants on. These short, cold days make everybody want to couple up, but come spring you’d gnaw your arm off to get out of a relationship.

+ Capricorn

Indecisive? Use a magic 8-ball to make all your choices. So incredibly freeing.

+ Aquarius

Need something to do with all your extra time? Volunteer in the community. Or put a bunch of holes in some drywall and then patch them back up.

+ Pisces

Don’t fear mistakes. Tonight’s bad decision is tomorrow’s awesome bar story.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.