Starting today on MTV is Mancation Weekend. The channel is featuring manly marathons of "Guy Code," "Ridiculousness," "Jackass," "Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory" "Buckwild" "Jackass: The Movie," "Walking Tall" "Jackass 3.5" and the MTV movie premiere of "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story."
Speaking of manliness, no one is less manly than a bully. Most victims of bullying have no recourse (just therapy) after suffering wedgies or swirlies or purple nurples... but a lucky few can sub in a professional MMA fighter to challenge their tormentors, thanks to MTV's "Bully Beatdown."
It's the brainchild of host Jason "Mayhem" Miller, a retired UFC middleweight who "got picked on a lot" as a kid. The show isn't just exciting, punch-heavy entertainment; it contains some timeless wisdom.
1. Bullies Never Win In The End
On every episode, the arrogant bully thinks he can defeat any opponent, but not a single one has knocked out an MMA fighter. The only guy who came close is Dennis from episode six, who fought to a draw and received $10,000 for the feat. Still, he vomited from sustaining so much bodily damage. "Dennis is gonna be puking for days," Mayhem predicted. "He took more hits than Google."
2. Bullies Are Big Sissies
In second- and third-season episodes, the bullies chicken out and refuse to finish their matches. "He's gonna win, what's the point?" said one of them. "I'm gonna lose. ... He's gonna f***in' knock me out." It's a thin line between cruelty and cowardice.
3. Pick On Someone Your Own Size
Most bullies, like the one above, are big dudes who make little dudes' lives hell. But put 'em up against a fellow muscled giant and they crumble. "There's always someone bigger, badder and meaner that will step across from you," Mayhem explains.
4. A Bully Can Be Reformed
In numerous episodes, the bullies--after getting humbled and humiliated--apologize to the victims. Take the one who admitted, "It sucks to get your ass kicked on TV. This is a wake-up call not to f*** with people because karma comes around." Also: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize what I put you through." (As Mayhem boasts, "I bring people together on 'Bully Beatdown'!")
5. Justice Feels Pretty Good
Whenever a bully goes down, the victims describe it as a rapturous experience. The poor guy from Season Three's premiere raved, "'Bully Beatdown' is one of the greatest things that's ever happened to my life. It's a dream come true."
But hey, if you don't have a pro MMA fighter to beat your bullies, just use your nerd brain to make more money than all of them combined. Why do you think Bill Gates is so damn rich?