Mansumer Reports: Baby Wipes For Guys

On last night’s “Guy Code” episode, Jon Gabrus explained that you must use baby wipes, not toilet paper, for a truly clean ass. (They’re also more eco-friendly, he argued; we’ve got a call in with the EPA for confirmation.)

Of course, in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, we recommended using baby wipes if you couldn’t take a hot shower. But don’t just take it from Jon and us. None other than Will.i.am feels the same way, telling Elle magazine:

“Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.”

You might feel embarrassed buying a giant box of baby wipes at the pharmacy. Even an online purchase could feel like self-infantilization. Sure, your girlfriend calls you a “big baby,” but this is different. This is about your dignity as a man. Never fear, because a number of products have you covered…

1. Dude Wipes

With Dude Wipes, you can “stay fresh wherever or whenever nature calls” and “ATTRACT FEMALES.” Soon you’ll realize that “DW’s aren’t just a [hygiene] product, they’re a lifestyle.” (We have no idea what that means, so obviously we haven’t used enough DW’s.)

2. Clean Beans

“Because you’re a man… not a baby!” That’s Clean Bean‘s motto, and the company feels deeply that all guys “need a wipe that reassures him that he is no less of a man for wanting to be clean.” The company recommends heating them in the microwave or cooling them in the fridge. (‘Cause every bro keeps an extra microwave/fridge near the toilet.)

3. Schweddy Wipes

“Fresh succulent balls” are what you’ll have with Schweddy Wipes, and you’re guaranteed to “get more head” thanks to their “white teabag scent.” (This is what literature professors call a double entendre. Literature professors and Schweddy Wipes executives.)

4. Poo-Pourri Crap Shooter Personal Wipes

Poo~Pourri not only works, it’s a classy addition to any … purse or manbag.” (Make sure you know the difference.)

5. Wingman Male Deoderizing Wipes

With Wingman wipes, “No matter where you are or what you are doing, you can always trust your wingman to be there when it matters most. NEVER FLY SOLO!” (Normally you wouldn’t rub a wingman’s face in your assh**e, but we’ll make an exception.)

6. A Bunch Of Weird Foreign Stuff

From the Koyibo brand (“It can clean the men private part and make it tender and comfortable… yearly productivity can reach 30 billion pieces”) to products titled simply Man Wipes Before Or After Sex and Sex Time Delay Wipes For Man (“Use for man,can delay sex time… Welcome to visit our factory”), male wipes seem to be more popular in other countries. Which is a shame; guys in the U.S. of A. might be red-blooded, but we don’t have to be brown-streaked.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog