Virgin Voyages: Losing It Your Mid-20s


Credit: Ron Babcock

On tonight’s episode of “Guy Code,” the cast will talk about losing your virginity. Some of us here at Guy Code Blog are sharing our stories. #Don’tJudgeUs

I lost my virginity late. And let’s be honest, I didn’t lose it, she took it. Two reasons I lost it late.

1. I grew up Catholic. You know, the religion that makes you feel bad about feeling good.
2. I never had a condom on me.

I actually dated a bunch of girls, but whenever we got close, I made the mistake of telling them I was a virgin.

ME: I’m a virgin.
HER: Really? That’s cool.
ME: So, do you want to do it?
HER: No.

They said they didn’t want “the responsibility.” I told them they didn’t have to go to meetings or anything, but by then it was too late. I felt like a big boat (stay with me), because everyone wants a boat until you realize how much work it is. Then you realize that you don’t want a boat. You just want your friend to have a boat, so you have something to talk about it. No one wants a boat that goes fast for a couple seconds, stops and then apologizes and I realize the metaphor fell apart at the end there but you get what I’m saying.

But then it happened. I threw a house party and this cute brown-haired girl in glasses came. We made out once before and by the end of the night, we were making out again. Things were getting crazy and by crazy I mean she was thinking about going to blow job city (wha what, I was the mayor). And I thought, “Wait a minute, I like this girl. I have a condom. Ohmygosh, we’re going to do it.” And just then she stops me and goes, “Just to let you know, we’re not going to do it.”

Oh.

But then she went, “Just kidding, we’re totally going to do it!”

Hell yeah!

So, we’re doing it and I’m going way too fast (like the boat) and she says, “Hey hey, slow down!” to which I reply and I’m being 100% honest right now…

“No. This one’s for me.”

And then, I was done.

She was absolutely the perfect girl to lose your virginity to. She didn’t care I was a virgin, because some women love projects. Every night, she would set goals for me: “Ron, tonight we’re going to work on stamina and tomorrow, style.”

She was my f**k teacher.

Now you might not understand this if you lost your virginity before you were old enough to rent a car from Hertz, but guys who lose their virginity late go crazy. You start to think, “I gotta have sex with everything!” It got to the point where I would show up at parties and go, “Hey guess whose f**king?! OK, what do you want, style or stamina? You can’t have both… Style? I’ll get my top hat.”

I will always remember this woman for taking one for the team.

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Ron Babock (@ronbabcock) is a standup comedian living in Los Angeles.