Why Celebrating A Friend’s Birthday Can Suck

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Every guy loves to celebrate a birthday, specifically his own birthday. Whether you throw a party or just spend the night with a special someone (who has wild sex with you), it’s great because you can do whatever you want.

But celebrating your friends’ birthdays is usually a giant pain in the ass, especially if they have expensive taste in restaurants and nightclubs. And if they demand a present on top of your presence, you might wanna reconsider answering those Facebook event invites. Here are the most annoying aspects of RSVPing “Join.”

1. A Four-Star Restaurant? Why Not Five?

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The thought process of almost everyone who books a birthday dinner: “If only I could afford to eat at this expensive steakhouse… I know! I’ll get my friends to pay for me! Who wants champagne?”

2. False Modesty

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Some people will repeatedly tell you they don’t care about their approaching birthdays. Over and over and over, you hear “it’s no big deal” and “I keep forgetting it’s even coming up.” But if they don’t care, why is it the only thing they’ll talk about for a month straight? Just come out with it and tell us you want a damn cupcake.

3. Destination Birthday Parties

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The only thing worse than a destination wedding, which requires you to spend thousands on travel, is a destination birthday. “Let’s go to Vegas!” your friend will suggest, mistakenly thinking this is an awesome idea. (At least you can have sex with a bridesmaid at a wedding.)

4. Cinco De My Birthday

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Some people resent sharing their birthday with a broadly celebrated holiday. Cinco De Mayo should be about Mexico’s victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla, not your friend’s birthday. . He organizes a party and bans sombreros and tequila to keep the focus on him. Just have your party the next week so we can celebrate like everyone else.

5. The Sad Birthday Drunk

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At the party your friend suddenly realizes what getting older really means. Time is making him less culturally relevant. Every day is another advancement in the the body’s slow decay. Eventually he starts sobbing and laments all the time he has wasted and how sore he gets after a game of touch football.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) wants to go to your birthday party.