5 Days You Should Celebrate Instead Of Your Birthday

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Let’s be honest. None of us deserve to celebrate our birthday. We’re celebrating an event that we had absolutely nothing to do with. Instead of ourselves, we should really honor the broken condom your father used or the booze he bought your mom. Still, it’s fun to get presents and have people pay attention to you. So instead of your birthday, you should celebrate an event in your life where you actually achieved something. Plus, if this idea catches on, you could potentially throw yourself several birthday-like parties a year.

1. The Day You Lost Your Virginity

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This is one of the most important days in a man’s life, and for some reason it isn’t celebrated as we get older. You should do something to pay tribute to the day you entered the world of sexual intercourse. It could basically be like a yearly bachelor party except no one has to get married afterward.

2. The Day You Got Your First Adult Job

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No more waiting tables! You finally have a job that you like and make a nice salary. Be proud of yourself. Every year on the day you got hired, throw a party at your place. It should feature food and drinks that range from what you could afford then to what you can afford now. Finally, an excuse to enjoy both ramen and good scotch.

3. Your Own Kid’s Birthday

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Your kid shouldn’t get to celebrate his birthday; you should. You’re the one paying all his bills and driving him to baseball practice. Your kid should get you a present and then go stay at a friend’s house for the night. This way you never have to have a bunch of annoying kids at your house for a slumber party.

4. Breakup Day

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All guys have that one horrible relationship that we stayed in too long because she was hot or manipulated your mind with her vagina magic. While it was a dark period for you, it’s also a time where you learned the most. Enjoy that you came out of it a stronger and smarter person. To celebrate, think of things you like to do that your ex always hated and spend an entire day doing them.

5. Your 10,000th Day

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Since birthdays can be fun, why not celebrate your 10,000th day? 10,000 days puts you at roughly 27.4 years old. That’s an age where you’ve had a few accomplishments in life, and you’re not too old to spend all night partying. You’ve survived 10,000 days on this planet. You deserve a party!

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) doesn’t want to go to your birthday party.