Excuses Of The Stars: How To Get Sick Like A Celebrity

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Celebrities aren’t merely talented at acting, singing and dancing; they’re also talented at getting sick, frequently canceling their concerts, showing up late to rehearsal and otherwise backing out of commitments. Most of us would get fired for that kind of undependable behavior, but A-listers can get out of anything with claims of “exhaustion” and “dehydration.” Maybe we can learn a few things from them…

1. Jeremy Shockey

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While playing for the New Orleans Saints, Jeremy Shockey attended an afternoon pool party at a Las Vegas club called Rehab. He passed out and had to be carried away on a stretcher. But he was just dehydrated, not drunk! (People squeeze water into his mouth on the sidelines all the time, so he can’t be expected to do it himself.)

Lesson: If your boss catches you lying on the floor underneath your desk with a massive hangover, tell him to refill the Poland Spring.

2. Caleb Followill

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Last year, Kings of Leon‘s frontman ended a concert early. His fans became suspicious, but he assured them, “I’m not drunk. I’m just f***ing hot!” The official prognosis: heat exhaustion and dehydration.

Lesson: If your boss catches you hurling in the office bathroom, just inform him that the A/C is too low.

3. Colin Farrell

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If you keep getting dehydrated/exhausted, your boss might start to wonder why you haven’t learned to drink water or take a nap. Take a tip from Colin Farrell, who checked himself into a treatment facility for exhaustion but also for “dependency on prescription medication related to a back injury.”

Lesson: Anyone in pain could take one pill too many, and if the prescription’s legal, you’re still a model employee.

4. Eminem

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In 2005 Eminem, suffering from exhaustion, canceled a European tour. He was also suffering from unspecified “other medical issues.”

Lesson: “Other medical issues”? That’s a vague enough excuse to get you out of anything. Try it with your boss after you’ve been gone for two weeks. Fractured ribs? Cerebral hemorrhage? Stubbed toe? None of his business!

5. Rihanna

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You call in sick, but your boss mentions the strip club photos you posted on Facebook the night before. (Why did you friend your boss on Facebook again?) Be sure to have a backup photo to prove your medical condition, kinda like how Rihanna once tweeted a picture of an IV in her arm after getting rushed to the hospital for exhaustion and dehydration.

Lesson: Just go to the ER and tell the doctor you need a solid to keep your job. He’ll put all the gunshot victims aside and get you that IV stat.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) wants a Gatorade and a nap.