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On Tuesday's episode of "Guy Code," the cast will talk about losing your virginity. Some of us here at Guy Code Blog are sharing our stories. #DontJudgeUs
While I consider myself a normal-looking dude these days, when I was in high school I was a simply bizarre-looking: Super tall, emaciated skinny, bad teeth… I was Screech.
Screech never got laid in high school, and neither did I.
I didn't have looks, but I did have a sketch comedy series on Long Island public access TV (which I wrote, shot, edited, starred in and "directed") for roughly two years. It was awful--pure, unadulterated crap. During one sketch, I went door-to-door selling douche bags... just me, walking around Long Island, selling feminine hygiene products. This went on for 14 minutes.
The show didn't set the world on fire like I hoped it would, but I did have one fan. And she wasn't just a fan--she was a superfan. And even more important, she was a she. Jackpot.
We began communicating via good ol' AOL Instant Messenger--I gave my screen name out during each episode--and, despite me having the sex appeal of a dumpster fire, I somehow brokered a deal that would end in sex. It was on, son!
Unfortunately, a crazy blizzard slammed Long Island the night we scheduled things to go down. But I was determined to not let that stop me. It could've been raining hammers, for all I cared. Also, two of my friends caught wind of my cherry-popping plan and insisted on following me to her house to spy. (I understand ball-busting, but this was just weird.)
So I drove my mom's Ford on an icy highway at 80 mph, weaving in and out of lanes, trying to lose my voyeuristic buddies' car... which I did by shifting my shaggin' wagon into reverse in the middle of the road and backing into an exit. It's a miracle I didn't get killed; whoever my guardian angel is, they loved me too much to let me die a virgin.
I soon arrived at the girl's house, and gave her one minute and 35 seconds of pleasure, surely the least fulfilling sexual experience of her life. How do I know the exact time? Because during the act, my lurch legs hit my yellow Discman, "Eye of the Tiger" from the "Rocky III" soundtrack began playing, and I rocked that girl's world until the display read 1:35.
I had bought the CD for one of my upcoming sketches.
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