Winter is all about stumbling through your life with no real direction. But don’t get too down on yourself, because you can always look in one direction: To the stars, and their mystical meanings. It might feel like the sun is too far away, but the planets are aligning. Here’s what to anticipate (or dread) this week.
You’ll see a windfall in the money department. Don’t get too excited, it still won’t be enough to pay off your credit card bills. Sell your blood.
Do a lot of pushups. You never know when someone will challenge you to a pushup contest.
Don’t worry about problems that might conceivably happen someday. Until that day arrives, and you get a girl pregnant. Then worry. Worry, worry, worry.
You’ll accidentally upset somebody this week. Calm this person down by inviting them over for dinner, and then slipping them a sedative.
It’s in your nature to win fights that others can’t. However, no man can win the fight against whiskey dick.
Be a good listener. Or at least get better at pretending to listen. Girls love that stuff.
You will face new and serious challenges. Get several of those posters with kittens hanging from branches and remember, “Hang in there.”
Take a big risk. Maybe challenge your brother-in-law to a fight. Loser leaves the family.
You will lose your virginity this week. Or at least watch a “Guy Code” episode about it on Tuesday.
Don’t hold grudges, because the best revenge is living well. (Also: sleeping with your enemy’s sister.)
Everyone wants to hang out with you this weekend. Turn them all down. You’ll seem cooler and they’ll want to hang out with you even more next weekend.
Feeling stuck? There’s always a way out. Go back to college, or steal your dead neighbor’s identity.