Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Jan. 18 – 24

Winter is all about stumbling through your life with no real direction. But don’t get too down on yourself, because you can always look in one direction: To the stars, and their mystical meanings. It might feel like the sun is too far away, but the planets are aligning. Here’s what to anticipate (or dread) this week.

+ Aries

You’ll see a windfall in the money department. Don’t get too excited, it still won’t be enough to pay off your credit card bills. Sell your blood.

+ Taurus

Do a lot of pushups. You never know when someone will challenge you to a pushup contest.

+ Gemini

Don’t worry about problems that might conceivably happen someday. Until that day arrives, and you get a girl pregnant. Then worry. Worry, worry, worry.

+ Cancer

You’ll accidentally upset somebody this week. Calm this person down by inviting them over for dinner, and then slipping them a sedative.

+ Leo

It’s in your nature to win fights that others can’t. However, no man can win the fight against whiskey dick.

+ Virgo

Be a good listener. Or at least get better at pretending to listen. Girls love that stuff.

+ Libra

You will face new and serious challenges. Get several of those posters with kittens hanging from branches and remember, “Hang in there.”

+ Scorpio

Take a big risk. Maybe challenge your brother-in-law to a fight. Loser leaves the family.

+ Sagittarius

You will lose your virginity this week. Or at least watch a “Guy Code” episode about it on Tuesday.

+ Capricorn

Don’t hold grudges, because the best revenge is living well. (Also: sleeping with your enemy’s sister.)

+ Aquarius

Everyone wants to hang out with you this weekend. Turn them all down. You’ll seem cooler and they’ll want to hang out with you even more next weekend.

+ Pisces

Feeling stuck? There’s always a way out. Go back to college, or steal your dead neighbor’s identity.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.