Virgin Voyages: Losing During A Third Eye Blind Chorus

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On Tuesday’s episode of “Guy Code,” the cast will talk about losing your virginity. Some of us here at Guy Code Blog are sharing our stories. #Don’tJudgeUs

My girlfriend in college was a theater major and a year ahead of me. She was outspoken, fun to hang out with and more sexually enlightened than I was, which only intimidated me THIS-F’N-MUCH!

We had been a couple for some time, but hadn’t slept together. We were “taking things slow.” Now that I think about it, though, she probably didn’t want to move too quickly and frighten me off like a scared rabbit.

However, as a late-blooming college sophomore, I decided it was time to become a man for the second time in my life (my Bar Mitzvah was the first) and saw the upcoming Valentine’s Day as the perfect opportunity.

After a nice dinner, followed by a few watered-down drinks and flat beers at a nearby bar, we headed to my dorm. I was lucky enough to have a single room. My walls were covered with posters of Allen Iverson, “The Matrix” and Rage Against the Machine, creating a mood as romantic as a clown getting hit by a car.

We awkwardly sat on my bed, laughed at inside jokes and then began fooling around. She stopped me long enough to turn on the radio. A Third Eye Blind song drifted around my room. We were naked down to our skivvies. I remember wearing boxer shorts with a smiley face because as soon as she saw them she began hysterically laughing and asked, “Are those boxer shorts with a smiley face on them?”

She fished a condom out of her purse. I was impressed she was so prepared! Without any, um, pregame warm-ups, the condom fit right on. She removed her panties and straddled me.

I was really trying to play it cool and act like I’d been there before, but when I felt my “breadstick” dip into her “sauce,” my face must’ve looked like one of Jim Carrey‘s goofball characters. There’s no way I was still playing it cool. I heard that Third Eye Blind song in the background:

“I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life
Baby, baby…”

And then it was over. I barely lasted through a chorus of a Third Eye Blind song. My girlfriend and I stayed together for another year, and I was able to “hone my craft.” I have no idea what she’s doing today, but if she reads this I hope she knows I’ll never forget that semi-charmed night.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.